Mexican and the City: A Reflection on Learning Who You Are

This is a story for ethnic folks living in low diversity communities where the only other ethnic folk you may know are your own family and maybe a few close friends.

I want to share my perspective. I grew up overseas and landed in Baltimore as a Mexican “military brat” in the early 90’s. Little did I know that my own perspective of who I am and where I belong would change 12,000 times - OK, maybe not that many - but enough to leave me feeling lost and trying ever-so-hard to fit into a mold that was not meant for me.

Growing up, my nuclear family was my primary experience with my culture - the rest of my extended family members had settled in the Southwest. I grew up feeling very proud of my Mexican heritage because of my parents. They were unabashedly themselves and never wavering on who they were as Hispanic “transplants” in Baltimore.

The first question I often get asked when people discover or recognize that I am Latina is: “do you speak Spanish?” The answer is always a hesitant “no,” or “a little,” as if someone is going to come and take my ethnicity away from me. I took the requisite four years of high school Spanish classes, and my parents spoke Spanish at home, but broken Spanish and nothing intense enough for me to learn the language conversationally.

Frankly, throughout my adolescent years, Spanish Class was one of the only places in school where I felt like I could most be myself. In Middle and High School, my ethnicity slapped me in the face. The kind of slap where you wake up, look around and realize that it’s your mission to fit into a very homogeneous community.

“…High school is a volatile environment for personal growth for most. For me, it felt even more compounded because I could not even talk with my closest friends about the things that made me excited and proud about being a Mexican.”

My maiden name is very common in the Hispanic community- but definitely a stand-out in the Baltimore region. I always felt like I wanted people to know I was Hispanic, but they would just butcher the pronunciation of my last name, vaguely attempt to correct themselves, and never offered a curiosity into who I was.

First days of school were torture for me because it was just one more opportunity for me to feel dismissed. It wasn’t this way with everyone I came in contact with, but it happened enough for me to notice and remember. In my teenage mind, I couldn’t be myself.

I know, I know- you might be saying “well don’t a lot of people feel like they can’t be themselves in high school?”

I don’t want to minimize that high school is a volatile environment for personal growth for most. For me, it felt even more compounded because I could not even talk with my closest friends about the things that made me excited and proud about being a Mexican.

While my friends were summer vacationing in Ocean City, I was off gallivanting in the northern hills of New Mexico on our family ranch.

Then: I hid. Now: I laugh at my younger self. I would take the peaceful, tranquil, and oddly spiritual New Mexico any day over the sights of OC, MD (nothing against the beach town, but if you know, you know).

New Mexico, where my family originally hails from, will always remain a safe haven for me. It’s a place where I can step off the plane and into the airport and immediately feel like I belong.

It was a special place for me growing up, too, because I didn’t have to explain myself. I was no longer the “odd-looking girl” with no discernable ethnicity. I could look at other girls and women around me and appreciate that the standard of beauty can vary. When we talk about the representation of different ethnicities within our society in the media and beyond – I get it all the way. I rarely saw that growing up and did not realize till much later how much that would have meant to me. I would dance around the kitchen to Tejano music star, Selena, and marvel at the album cover to her beauty. Very limited representation, but I am grateful to have had even that exposure at a young age. Bidi Bidi Bom Bom.

This all still rings true for me today. I married a white dude from Carroll County, MD who accepted me inside out and jumped right into my Mexican family without hesitation. We often joke that they like him more than me sometimes - but only because he does the dishes. We talk about our many visits to New Mexico and other destinations where I am now the one who does not stick out and he is the one who has the answer for himself. I must say that he handles it like a champ, but it can be a place of discomfort for him at times. I get it. That’s what traveling offers you. A chance to be uncomfortable and you are better for it.

Baltimore can be a rich city in diversity, but it has it’s pockets of low diversity–especially if we break down certain industries around us. In working in several areas throughout the region that had more diversity than where I grew up, I always made it a point to remain curious about the people I was working with if they were different from me. I wanted to hear people’s stories if they were willing to share - and most of the time people are willing to share. Not for them to educate me on their culture, but for them to feel seen and heard.

It can be very vulnerable to put your culture out to others on a silver platter, but if you know the person genuinely has an interest it can feel so much easier. I’m reminded of a bartender I met many years ago at a local watering hole who was a Columbian gentleman. I was so curious about the differences in our culture and his country and it evoked many great conversations– a lot of times about the food and soccer, but that was enough for us! Stay curious.

There are still many times I can fall into the trap of not belonging in Baltimore - especially when your dad shows up to BWI for a trip in a full-on bolo tie, cowboy hat, and lace-up cowboy boots that are wildly inefficient for a TSA security check (remember, unabashedly himself) - so this goes out to all my ethnic peeps, trying to fit into a sometimes unforgiving city.


Here are some helpful ways to connect to your roots:


#1 Food

The great unifier and in my opinion the tastiest one! This can be another very vulnerable spot because if you are sharing the food of your culture with people who are known “picky eaters” you might put yourself out there just to feel even more rejected. Know your audience. Give plenty of disclaimers. I always say if I share something, “if you don’t like it, more for me!” Christmas is always a big tradition in my family of homemade tamales, posole (a hearty pork stew with hominy and red chili), enchiladas, and frijoles (pinto beans). Mouth watering just thinking about this!

One of my happiest memories was from this past Christmas and my 10 year old nephew on my husband’s side (known picky eater) asked what I had brought to the family dinner- it was homemade tamales. My husband plopped one his plate and my nephew gobbled down the whole thing. My heart melted as he told me how much he loved it. I remember wincing before he ate it thinking that this could have gone the other way, but I thanked him profusely for trying it. I would have thanked him either way.

#2 Find Your Mentors

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

You never know who might exist out there who can share in your story. Even if you cannot match your exact ethnicity, are there people in your community/industry who have a similar line of story?

I was lucky enough, when I worked in education, to work for a Mexican principal. She was from Texas and equally just as much a fish out of water as I was. Never in a million years did I think that I would land at a job where my boss and I would share a similar story. It will remain such a powerful experience to see another Mexican woman strive for greatness in a system where she was definitely the standout. She empowered me to embrace my heritage more and when I sometimes would sound too much like a “valley girl”-- she was the proverbial slap in the face to remind me that was my old self trying to “fit in”. And it never hurt our relationship to bring in homemade salsa for her.

#3 Build Your Community Where You Can Be You

Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash

This goes for everyone no matter your ethnicity. Find your partners, friends, colleagues, etc. who can be open and curious about who you are. I love being able to talk about my culture and I love hearing and exploring friend’s cultures as well. Sometimes this can mean coming back to food and conversation.

I’ll admit that I will never understand the value of sauerkraut other than its probiotic benefits. But I tell myself if people are willing to put themselves out there for me I will show up for them–even if that means eating sauerkraut or Halo-halo (Filipino cold dessert- try it!). I tend to gravitate more towards people who show me they are open-minded. That suits me in feeling like I can belong–find out what suits you.

#4 Travel More - If You Are Able

Photo by Luke Porter on Unsplash

Travel to places that feel comfortable for you and travel to places that make you feel uncomfortable. Travel with friends so you can share the experiences together. A shared experience with people you love is everything.

#5 Teach Something

This can be something as simple as answering “what does this mean?” OR introducing someone to a song, movie or dance, OR invite friends over to make your favorite foods. Can you tell I love food?

I remember when I was younger that my mom invited a group of friends over to teach them how to make homemade flour tortillas. The kitchen was covered in flour, but the laughter and camaraderie I could hear echoing from the kitchen was invigorating. I did the same thing for a group of colleagues once and as we were waiting for our tortillas to proof we all shared a story about what we loved to make from our childhoods. So try putting yourself out there to learn something too.

 

I sometimes ponder what the world would be like if we were all remaining curious about other people and their stories. Perhaps challenge yourself to find your voice more if you are feeling like you do not belong-what ties you back to your culture? Who are the people that will live in that culture with you and experience your unique identity? Build your community and foster the relationships that make you feel like your truest self.

PS:

“Preservation of one’s own culture does not require contempt or disrespect of other cultures.”

-Cesar Chavez (Mexican-American labor leader and civil rights activist)

Meet The Author: Diana Harden, LGPC

Diana works with individuals and couples in Maryland who identify and/or are struggling with anxiety, depression, managing high stress jobs, being an ethnic individual in a low diverse community, relationship struggles and relationship strengthening. Diana enjoys working with premarital/pre-commitment couples as well. She is currently accepting consults for new individuals and couples.

When Diana is not working with clients she enjoys cooking, riding her Peloton, kayaking, hiking, rock climbing with her husband, and hanging with her black cat, Sushi.