What Your Upbringing Says About Who You Are in Bed

Esther Perel asks.

As a Relationship Therapist - I ask.

📌Why is it that many women don’t seem to know what they want?

📌Where does the sense of being disconnected from your own body stem from?

📌How can it be so hard to talk about sex with our partners? 

As Perel explains, much of our adult sexuality, our current desires, the way we relate to others, how we perceive our self-worth—is the product of the way we were raised and the environment in which our sexuality developed.

Q&A with Esther Perel:

Q
You’ve said that if you know how someone was raised, you can tell how they will be as a lover. Can you explain?

A
Consider a paradigm we’ve always known in modern psychology: Tell me how you are loved, and I’ll have a good idea of what may be some of your issues, your concerns, your worries, your aspirations, and how you love.

But this paradigm never got translated into: Tell me how you were loved and I will tell you how you MAKE love. How your emotional history is inscribed in the physicality of sex. How your body speaks a certain emotional biography.

For example, the question I often ask people is: How did you learn to love, and with whom? Were you allowed to want? Were you allowed to have needs growing up—or were you told, “What do you need that for?” Were you allowed to thrive? Were you allowed to experience pleasure—or was pleasure just a break between work sessions, a reward after a lot of effort? Were you allowed to cry—and were you allowed to cry out loud, or did you have to hide it? Were you allowed to laugh—out loud? Did you feel protected as a child by those who needed to protect you—or did you flee for protection? Did the people who were supposed to take care of you do so—or did you have to take care of your caregivers, becoming the parentified child? 

Interested in Reading More... 

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Baltimore Area Adult Women:

Does post this resonate with you? Are you interested in exploring your own adult sexuality and how it shows up for you in your relationship?

If so, reach out - you don’t need to navigate these feelings & ideas - ALONE. 

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Susan works with Type A’s ---> Creatives as they balance schedules, stress, and the modern challenges within coupleship. 

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( Together )

“We can do hard things.”
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This is a saying that I’ve been saying + hearing lately - in my head, in my sessions, as a business owner, and as a partner + parent.
Understanding that we only have so much control of certain situations but we always have control of our commitments, our responses, our pause and our compassion for ourselves + others.

Being aware of feelings & expressing them PROACTIVELY - helps when things get "hard". Acknowledging that life can be scary, raw, over-whelming & unpredictable --- helps us to realize that it is normal, and that WE don't always have control when "hard things" enter our days. However, these feeling are a {S I G N} that something is amiss.

If you OFTEN use fight (judgement + aggression) , freeze (indecision + prolonged delay) or flee (avoidance) when {hard things} come your way - you might need some more support? 

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🖊Writing feelings out (journaling) and/or talking to others might help to identify difficult feelings.

📌Both help me personally to move forward with what I needed to do and not let anxious thoughts take over when "hard things" hit the fan.

🔸In addition, reaching out for help shares the load. I often reach out to my husband + colleagues + friends and ask for insight when "hard things" come my way.

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What do you do to confront "hard things"❓

Who are your supports? ❓

Where do you go to reflect + recharge + reset❓

If you find that you often confront "hard things" with fight (aggression + judgement) freeze (prolonged delay + indecision) or flee (avoidance) - it might help to seek more support(s) to help process your feelings and responses to "hard things."

{HARD T H I N G S} do not have to be a way of life - you can share the load, redirect, and pivot when necessary.
 

What does a "Foxhole" have to do with Couples Work?

Partners can be helped immensely by having an "owners manual" for each other and their relationship.

Does your relationship have one in place? 

Part of that "owners manual" or being an "expert on your partner" can be created by using the principles in the Couple Bubble by Dr. Stan Tatkin. 

It's like being in a "fox hole" together and having each others back consistently both privately and publicly.

Does your partner have YOUR back and YOU, theirs?

Are you struggling within your couple bubble❓

OR

Maybe you two need help forming YOUR couple bubble❓

{{ Yawning }} every creature that has a spine YAWNS

Yawning is a built-in repair circuit which triggers the Parasympathetic Nervous System, which calms everything down in your body.

We most associate yawning with boredom or being sleepy, but new research suggests it can be good for your health - by cooling down your brain.

Yawning is particularly useful when your body is stressed, injured, or ill. If you’ve got a headache, try yawn “surfing”– where you literally try to yawn over and over–in most situations, your headache will ease up.

Scientists at Princeton University found a big yawn can regulate the temperature of the brain and prevent over-heating. Stress activates the sympathetic nervous system, which increase blood pressure. Yawning activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which attenuates the sympathetic nervous system, reduces stress, and lowers the risk for high blood pressure.

Because #yawning disturbs your current sympathetic tone and forces the parasympathetic nervous system to act in order to restore your body to a resting state because yawning discharges STRESS from the body.

Feeling stressed or drained? Make an effort to yawn as a self-care strategy to help your blood pressure!

Be well and #bmore #aware, #Baltimore!

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📷: Borna Bevanda via: @unsplash @bbevanda

What is PACT? How can it help MY relationship?

Baltimore Couples:: Are you desiring a deeper understanding and connection? 
Well then... Let's get OFF the couch and get face-to-face via PACT. 

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Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) - Founder: Dr. Stan Tatkin

PACT teaches both #partners how to #soothe each other's brain during times of #stress. The result is two brains that are chemically wired together and a #securelyfunctioningrelationship . 

A PACT session is unlike any couple's therapy you may have experienced before.

** If you've been to standard couple's therapy, you may have left your session feeling worse than when you started. 
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PACT sessions are 90 mins - 3 hours in length to ensure a positive result with each experience. 
Couples will face each other in rolling chairs, along with other postures as determined by the clinician while maintaining eye contact. Prolonged eye contact between partners allows defensive walls to come down, allowing the clinician to access core issues with less resistance.
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In Baltimore & needing more information? Call Susan for a 15 minute complimentary phone consultation @ 443.527.2042

Mind FULL -OR- Mindful?

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{You always have a choice}

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:: Seeking Calm? Find a guided meditation provider, whom provides the power of Mental Stillness.

I find my calm via buddhify and lessen my chaos with the help of Tara Brach.

Plus, July 1st could be a great day to start a new habit ✌🏼✌🏽✌🏿

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