One thing we know from relationships, is that all couples fight, but not all couples have conflict resolution skills. The 7 Days to Better Fights is a comprehensive guide created by the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT) founder, Dr. Stan Tatkin, that aims to help couples communicate conflict through a healthy course of action.
When thinking about conflict, it is pertinent to remember that all couples fight. Anger and disagreement are normal facets of relationships, both romantic and platonic. Couples can use the 7 Days to Better Fights as a helping hand to approach conflict with tools geared towards cohesion within communication. This guide contains short exercises over the span of seven days to help couples navigate conflict resolution by focusing on honing skills in observation, relaxation, and understanding.
Day 1: Reading Visual Cues
Let’s get started with this first exercise. All you will need is about 5-10 minutes, a timer with an alarm set to a gentle sound, and some good lighting to complete this activity.
You will begin by sitting in a well-lit area at a comfortable distance from your partner. The objective of this exercise is to keep your eyes constantly on your partner’s face, while scanning for any type of changes. You will look for aspects of change such as muscle tightening or loosening, eye contact, facial micromovements, changes in skin coloration, pupil dilation or constriction, frequency of blinking, etc.
This activity can spark some discomfort with long silence and prolonged eye contact, but it is imperative to commit to the exercise by remaining still and refraining from any type of communication. It is totally fine to have an emotional response such as laughter or crying but attempt to stay focused and attentive in order to bring your focus back to the intention of the exercise.
While focusing on your partner, quietly acknowledge to yourself when you notice any changes happen. This exercise will improve your ability to notice any small, subtle, facial movements and can allow you to understand and perceive your partner.
Day 2: Relaxing Under Threat
This exercise deals with the somatic experience of perceived threat and how you and your partner can navigate those emotional reactions together with care and compassion. You will need 15-30 minutes, good lighting, and a pen and paper for each of you for this activity.
Before the activity begins, each person will need to make a list of words that their partner uses which causes them distress. When you are finished, hand your partner this list and do not discuss it. Dr. Stan Tatkin recommends the following tips when engaging in this exercise:
Take the activity seriously
Go slowly and take your time with the exercise
Quickly soothe and provide repair immediately for any damage
Be present in the moment
Keep a constant gaze on your partners face
Once the activity begins, sit face to face like in exercise one, and decide which person will be Partner A and who will be Partner B.
Start the exercise with a few minutes of silent meditation. Continually scan your partner’s face and eyes this whole time, while noting any facial changes or movements, just as you did in the first day’s exercise. As you do this, try to soften and let go of any tensions you may have in your own body, along with any judgements. After setting in this meditation, you are ready to begin the “one-word” activity.
Partner A: Say the first word or phrase on your partner’s list. Do this while looking your partner in the eyes. Say the word and then watch your partner for any facial movement or change. Do not speak further.
Partner B: When you hear this word, keep your attention visually on your partner. If you notice any reactions or tensions within yourself, just keep the focus on your partner and continue to notice your own physical experience as you wait for your body to reset itself to neutral. Try not to visualize any past memories, thoughts, or predictions while doing so.
Partner B: If/when your body has reset, you may wish to have this activity repeated with the same word. Say “again” to your partner if you would like to do so. The act of repetition could help to lessen any negative impact of this word over time.
If you are finished after the first word, simply say “done.”
Partner A: Once your partner is done, apologize for saying the word and keep that visual attention on them.
When you are finished, bow to each other. This may seem silly to some, but it is a true exercise in respect, humility, and care – so it should be treated as such.
Repeat this process with Partner A and Partner B roles reversed.
This exercise is not about making it all the way through each list, but about slowing down to notice the impact of your words on your partner and how to be impacted without an immediate reaction.
A different variation on this exercise would be to do the same thing, but substitute hurtful words and phrases with behaviors, gestures, vocal volume, or vocal tone. Some examples of these could include Facial expressions list might include:
Eye rolling, eyebrow lifting/scrunching
Looking down or away
Looking distracted or looking down at your device
Day 3: How to Lead with Repair
The exercise for Day 3 deals with fighting about one concept at a time and relieving an upset partner when harm has been inflicted – whether intentional or not. To complete this exercise, you and your partner will need about 30 minutes during a time in which you are relaxed and alert, a timer, two pens and two pieces of paper, and a single complaint in mind about your partner. As you go through these exercises, take note of what you processed and what you will do going forward that is more caring and supportive of your partner. All of these exercises as a whole will only work if their purpose is enacted, and if attitudes are truly shifted to serve the coupleship as a whole.
As this exercise begins, make sure you are both feeling relaxed and connected. To do this, begin by looking at each other’s faces and physical cues for relief or satisfaction. Try to talk less and help your partner more in the moment by doing what is right over what feels good. Avoid explaining your intentions or reasons behind apologies and validate their pain.
Start a timer for one minute. During this time, Partner A will state a minor complaint about Partner B that has occurred in the past week. Partner A will yield their complaint by the time the minute is up. This can be a complaint where Partner A feels unheard or feels as if they were treated unfairly. Try to focus on a single event, without being overly general. Do not criticize your partners personality or dig too deep and serious. Most of all – do not bring up more than one complaint!
An effective example for this exercise could be:
“I hate when you are texting while I am trying to talk to you about my day”.
An example that is ineffective for this exercise is:
“I don’t feel like I love you the same way anymore” or addressing topics such as infidelity or substances.
Partner B (the one receiving the complaint) then responds by offering 3 different types of apologies and options that provide relief for Partner A. Partner B does this while refraining from explanation or opposition. During this time, Partner B should be focused on Partner A’s face, eyes, and other physical cues. Avoid asking your partner if they feel better or satisfied. It takes time and practice to be able to read your partner without words.
Then, on a piece of paper, each partner writes down which answer/apology they think was the most relieving. Partner B writes down which of the 3 options they observed the most relief from in their partner - this is where the focus and attunement on your partner comes in. Partner A will write down which solution was the most satisfactory to them. Partners can compare and discuss the answers. When you find that you are reading your partner correctly, you will know because your answers will align.
Continue the exercise by switching roles and go through the exercise with the exact same rules.
Practice this exercise over again until it is no longer challenging to align your answers with your partner.
Day 4: How to Have a Fight in 10 Minutes or Less
You and your partner may be starting to feel the flow of your connection strengthening. Day four will gather speed as we practice keeping arguments short and on topic while fighting about only one thing at a time. Exercises 1-4 are crucial to master for the process in order to co-manage distress and maintain mutual security.
“In couples, we have a saying: there are no angels and no devils. Where there is one, there’s always the other. In matters of interaction, both partners are responsible for remaining orderly, staying on task, and maintaining each other’s continuous sense of safety and security.”
For this exercise you will need to be relaxed and have a timer on hand where you can see the countdown. Each partner will think of a single household issue, such as chores, cleanliness, etc. You do not necessarily have to live together as a couple to address such issues.
The basic Do’s and Don’ts of this exercise are:
DO keep practicing the timeliness of your arguments (10 minutes or less!)
DO stay on task, and stick to one topic only
DO use the observation skills from previous exercises to recognize your partners state of vulnerability.
DO repair harm immediately. If your partner is showing signs of feeling unsafe or threatened, STOP and soothe. Be sure to restore safety and balance before continuing, such as taking your partners hand, moving forward, or verbally affirming them with something friendly.
DON’T ramble, bring up the past, or interrupt your partner
DON’T take your eyes off your partner
Typical couples may handle a conflict over housework by saying too much and adding to many fueling issues to the fire! Both partners are responsible for the order and topic of conversation.
An ineffective way of handling this conversation would be as follows:
Partner A: “You always leave your dirty clothes all over the bathroom floor when you shower! Then you left the floor soaking wet after your shower and continued to ignore the overflowing hamper in the bedroom. This is getting out of hand!”
Partner B: “But you always leave the dishes in the sink after every meal, and then never acknowledge anything good I do for the house, like all those great meals I make for dinner.”
Try to discuss the stressful household complaint and move through the argument in an orderly fashion. Set a timer for 10 minutes, and work at the argument within those 10-minute increments. Nothing is ever fully resolved – and that’s OK! When you come to an agreement in 10 minutes that satisfies you both, even if it is only temporary, it is still progress. Think of it as moving towards the finish line bit by bit. Even if the argument is not over in 10 minutes, STOP and move on with your day. If you cannot resolve it, agree to try again later on when you are both mutually relaxed once more.
Switch roles and keep repeating as necessary until the issue is resolved. Keep practicing this with different issues until you can resolve any small household issue in 10 minutes. Then, strive for 8, 5, or even 3!
REMEMBER: relationships come with mutual accountability!
“When we enter into a relationship, we want to matter to our partner, to be visible and important....We want to know our efforts are noticed and appreciated. We want to know our relationship is regarded as important by our partner and will not be relegated to second or third place because of a competing person, task, or thing.”
Day 5: How to Represent Your Partner’s Needs
Rolling into day 5 brings us the topic of empathy and understanding. With today’s exercise, you will learn how to put yourself in your partners shoes. This will allow you to demonstrate to your partner that you understand how they see you, how you show up in the relationship and how your behavior impacts them. This exercise will give you a better look into your partners dreams, fears and concerns surrounding the partnership. For this exercise, you and your partner will need 20 minutes in a quiet environment with a timer, two pens and two pieces of paper.
Pick a reoccurring social issue between you and your partner. This can revolve around a friend that one of you does not like, or a behavior that occurs in a social setting.
On a piece of paper, Partner A writes down their stance on the social issue without showing it to Partner B. At the same time, Partner B will write down what they think their guess on Partner A’s issue would be.
Then, Partner A and B compare their answers and discuss any similarities or differences. Repeat this until you are writing the same thing, which shows to Partner A that Partner B understands exactly how Partner A feels.
Now, in regard to the same issue, Partner A will write down their view on what they think an acceptable solution to the social problem would be. At the same time, Partner B writes down what they think Partner A would accept as a solution. Compare these answers and repeat until you come to agreement and mutual understanding. Finally, switch roles and repeat the problem and solution prompts.
Day 6: How to Negotiate so You Both Win
We are nearing the end with our second to last day of partnership exercises. With this new skill today, you and your partner will work on negotiating in a healthy manner so that both parties feel like they “win”.
Win-win situations for others are a sign of social-emotional maturity. If couples employ any fears or shame into an argument, it can fuel painful memories and lead to potential feelings of resentment. This exercise involves two activities:
Activity One
For the first activity, you will pretend your partner is in another location, and that you would like to get them to join you and come with you. Without using an emergency as an excuse, what are some things you could say or do to convince or lure your partner to come and join you? What do they love? What are they most interested in?
With this first activity, you and your partner want to come at this from a perspective of attraction. Avoid using needs or wants, and don’t offer anything you could not provide in the near future. With that being said, try to be specific!
To begin, each partner should sit across from each other and write 3-5 temptations down that would attract their partner to join them. Decide who will be Partner A and Partner B.
Partner A will then take both lists and read each item, excitedly! After reading each one out loud, channel your Day 1-4 skills and observe Pattern B’s facial and Partner B’s level of excitement about each item from 1-5, with one being not excited at all, and five being the most excited.
Partner B will write down their own rating of excitement for each option as well.
Next, you and your partner will switch roles, and repeat the exercise for all 3-5 items. Once all of them have been completed, come together and compare your ratings. Be mindful of how close or far off each partner was for the ratings. This exercise serves to remind you of what your partner loves, and what makes them happy! This will be a bargaining and a “win-win” tool for your relationship toolkit.
“If there is a hallmark for this age, perhaps it will be our ability to take the complex findings of scientific research and apply them smoothly and effectively in our everyday lives, to better understand ourselves and to love more fully.”
Activity Two
During the second activity, each partner will work on getting the other partner on board to do things together when presented with interests that are not shared. Often times couples may retreat and do their own activity that they enjoy on their own, but this activity is the opposite of that!
Partner A will pick something they typically enjoy doing, that they know Partner B does not like. Remember to pick something reasonable and find enticements from Day 6 to make the activity worth your partners time! Do not threaten or use guilt.
When a deal has been made, shake hands and trade places! Partner B will now pick something they typically enjoy that they know Partner B does not. You have made it so far in this process, and Day 7 will wrap these skills all together.
Day 7: Bringing It All Together
“When we recite our relationship vows, perhaps we should say, “I take you as my pain in the rear, with all your history and baggage, and I take responsibility for all prior injustices you endured at the hands of those I never knew, because you now are in my care.”
As we close our 7 Days to Better Fights and enter into our very last exercise, Dr. Stan Tatkin and reminds us that conflict is normal, and people are frustrating. Relationships and life in partnership can get messy. These exercises represent a bigger theme of constant practice that needs to be done as you learn and grow through your relationship. The work is never truly done, and that is OK!
Each of these 7 days serves as a reminder of how important it is to maintain a safe and secure environment for your relationships to flourish. Human nature and human interaction are at the core of our understanding.
For this final exercise, each partner must pick something that they want to do, or do not want to do, that presents conflict. This could be as simple as going to dinner on the weekend, or as large as a new home, or any task. After you decide on the project to choose, write down on a piece of paper the skills that you have learned throughout the 6 days, and use them as you try to resolve this issue. Stan Tatkin reminds us of the concepts we have learned throughout the past 6 days. These include:
Reading your partner's face and body language
Relaxing physically, even if you don't like what you're hearing or seeing
Leading with relief
Apologizing with actions, not words
Keeping your disagreements on one topic at a time
Resolving your problem in 10 minutes or less
Putting yourself in your partner's shoes
Knowing what your partner finds compelling
Finding a win-win solution via bargaining, not compromise
Remember to stick to one topic and come up with solutions that satisfy both partners for the time being. STOP if anyone becomes upset or harmed in the process. Maintaining a safe space involves repairing and apologizing when necessary.
Dr. Stan Tatkin makes a great point here; in that any problem you encounter in a partnership should be treated like a jigsaw puzzle. Jigsaw puzzles can be worked on together and require patience, cooperation, and collaboration. Sometimes, you leave the puzzle and come back to it later until you finish. Success in these cases of conflict, can be achieved only if both partners remain fully satisfied with the outcome, at least in that temporary moment…for now!
Remain focused on our partner and take responsibility for knowing their body language and knowing when they are completely on board, versus succumbing and compromising with resentment. The task is not done until your partner is fully on board. Remember, only 10 minutes at a time! Come back if you cannot come to a win-win.
When this is all finished, come together and discuss how that felt for you both, and how you felt you did. Remember that sometimes, compromise involves giving in or giving up something in order to keep the peace, which inevitably creates resentment and no peace at all!
The end goal is creating an outcome that is remembered as a win-win, and not something that is looked back on as unpleasant or spiteful.
CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve completed the 7 Days to Better Fights, and we hope these exercises have provided you with new skills for conflict resolution that enable your relationship(s) to gain an improved state of mutual understanding.
Seeking more practice & guidance?
Want to Read More by Dr. Stan Tatkin? Check out these books:
If you’ve explored the above resources and are still seeking additional assistance in strengthening your coupleship, click the link below to learn more about couples therapy at Space Between: