“Another belief of mine: that everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise”
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For many millennials and older gen-z-ers, their 20s and 30s are not the time of fun and freedom that they expected. This period of life can be characterized by feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, uncertainty, and confusion over one’s direction and purpose in life. These anxieties are often related to one’s career, relationships, finances, and life plans. Many questions arise such as, what am I doing with my life? Why did I choose this career? Am I happy in my relationship?
Oftentimes individuals going through this stage of life struggle because they feel they are not achieving their potential or feel as though they are falling behind. They see others their age achieving goals or making life changes while they themselves feel stuck.
There is a myth that you will magically figure out the answers to these questions and it can be disappointing when you don’t. Experiencing these feelings may cause an individual to want to just run away, hide, or bury themself in distractions. If you are in your 20s or 30s are struggling with these feelings, you are not alone. It is thought that around 75% of people between 24-33 are experiencing these anxieties.
“The typical sufferer of a quarter-life crisis “highly driven and smart, but struggling because they feel they’re not achieving their potential or feeling they’re falling behind.””
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So where does this all come from? While the concept of a quarter life crisis has existed for decades, the stress and anxiety caused by this transition period has gotten worse over the last 10 to 15 years. There are many different things that could be behind this increase, but the top ones are:
Increased use of technology
increased economic problems
the impact of the self-esteem movement
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For many, technology and social media have led to a culture of comparison. Everyone seems to have it together on Instagram or are sharing their newest job updates on Facebook. This can lead individuals to question why everyone else seems to be progressing in their lives while they themselves feel stuck. Increased economic problems have led to individuals worrying more about being able to afford rent, food, student loan payments, and future retirement. With thoughts about money looming over every decision, it can be more difficult for individuals to pursue career options they are actually passionate about and instead end up working jobs based on pay. For many, growing up during the self-esteem movement (i.e. being fed the narrative that you are special and you can be whatever you want to be if you just set your mind to it) has caused additional harm. The movement was meant to encourage children, so they would grow up to be happier, healthier, more confident adults. For many, it ended up leading to a warped view of what the world was going to actually look like. After exiting college, many have an idealized version of what they thought they were going to accomplish and now feel stuck or lost as they struggle with the challenges of life.
When life doesn’t meet our expectations, we assume something is wrong. When we can’t pinpoint what in life seems wrong, it can be natural to come to the conclusion that we are the problem and that there must be something wrong with us. Having proper support from people in your life and coping skills in place can help deal with these feelings when they do arise.
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Increasing your emotional intelligence can be one tactic to dealing with a quarter life crisis. This can allow you to be better able to differentiate between your emotions and your identity. Just because you feel stuck or lost, it doesn’t mean that needs to be a part of your identity. You can recognize and validate your feelings without taking them on as a part of you. Increasing one’s emotional intelligence is just another way of getting more in tune with your body and mind. This can lead to increased self-esteem, better relationships, and better reactions to both current and future stress. An important piece of emotional intelligence that you can practice when you start to feel upset or overwhelmed is to validate the emotion you’re feeling, check where it is coming from and what thoughts are attached to it, and then change your actions accordingly.
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There are also many different coping mechanisms that can be helpful for individuals going through a quarter life crisis. Some of the major ones are physical exercise, creative outlets, time with friends or family, positive thinking, and talk therapy. Its no secret that physical exercise is good for both the body and the mind. Whether it’s taking a class, doing yoga, taking a walk outside, or dancing around your room, getting your body moving can help to calm those feelings of anxiety and confusion when they arise.
Creative outlets such as drawing, painting, sculpting, or knitting can also help to relieve some of the built up feelings associated with a quarter life crisis. These can also be good because the more time you spend on a hobby that isn’t scrolling through social media, the less time you have to compare your life to the lives of people on your screen. Spending time with friends, family, or other members of your support system is important in times of transition and turmoil. These people can help to calm your feelings of self-doubt and help you work through whatever confusion or uncertainty you may be feeling.
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Positive thinking is very important during transition periods in life. Positive thinking doesn’t mean thinking “everything is great and I’m so happy,” but instead means taking the time to reflect, feel gratitude, and practice self-compassion. Last but not least, is talk therapy. Talking with a therapist can help to work through and process these feelings and where they are stemming from, as well as discussing which coping mechanisms may work best for you individually. Going through a quarter life crisis may be a commonplace occurrence, but it doesn’t have to be something you go through alone.
Meet the Author: Abigail Smith, LGPC
Abby works with individuals in the Baltimore area who are struggling with anxiety, depression, life transitions, and identity concerns. She is particularly passionate about working with LGBTQIA+ folks, teens struggling with feeling understood, and college students.
When she's not at work, Abby can often be found out and about in various restaurants, shops, and events in the Baltimore area. This winter, Abby is looking forward to drinking hot chocolate, making gingerbread cookies, and spending time with her loved ones. Abby is currently accepting new clients.