Parenting is HARD. Kids don’t come with their own personalized guide book on how to raise them. Throw in the added stressors of working from home, virtual learning, seasonal depression, and the uncertainty of “COVID-land” and you’ve got a really nice mix of “my head is going to explode any minute if my kid asks me to buy them something one more time.” Every little task starts to feel like you’re moving towards the light at the end of the tunnel only to realize that you’ve been running on a treadmill the whole time and haven’t gotten anywhere. I bet the following the statements sound very similar:
“When you’re done with a dish, put it in the sink! It’s not that hard!”
“Don’t forget to put the laundry away!”
“You can’t play the game until your homework is done.”
“If I step on another one of your toys, they’re going in the trash!”
“I’m not gonna tell you again, your shoes belong in your room!”
When it comes to kids, if the task doesn’t immediately catch their attention or look enjoyable they probably won’t do it willingly. Resistance or defiance typically leads to a very frustrated or angry parent because now you’re arguing with your kid. So parents, let’s talk about ways to motivate your kids to do their chores or anything else that they don’t want to do. But first, let’s unpack the concept of “motivation.”
Photo by Sydney Rae via Unsplash
There are two types of motivation: internal (intrinsic) and external (extrinsic).
Intrinsic motivation is doing something simply because you ENJOY it, not to earn something. You are driven to do something from the inside and because you WANT to do it. Extrinsic motivation is doing something because you want to get something out of it, like a reward or outside incentive. Sometimes you might be doing something to avoid a negative outcome.
Take a look at examples of internal and external motivators:
Neither type of motivation or motivator is inherently “good” or “bad.” This is because people, which includes your kids too, have different things that motivate them. It’s normal! Both types of motivators can be effective in getting someone to do something. However, if you are more intrinsically motivated to do something there’s a higher chance that you’ll do the same thing in the future. If you’re intrinsically motivated to do something, you might experience a higher level of satisfaction after doing it.
How can you use this to change your kids’ behavior? Here are some things to remember about motivating your kids to do the things they don’t want to do.
If your kid is more intrinsically motivated to do something, they will be less resistant. Find things that your kids ENJOY doing. Some kids really like folding laundry or setting the table. If you find a chore they like to do, run with it. Make that their chore that they’re responsible for and it will quickly become one less thing that you have to add to your to-do list.
External rewards are cool and tend to work “faster” than internal motivators, but they should be used sparingly. They can set up the precedent that they will earn something every time they do a daily task (watch out for meltdowns). They also aren’t always feasible or sustainable because rewards often lose their value over time. If you’re going to use an external reward (i.e. money, toys, etc.), make sure it is something you can follow through with every time because kids catch on real quick if the reward isn’t actually given to them. P.S. the younger the kid is, the more immediate it has to be because younger kids have no sense of time.
Give your kids choices! If your kid gets to CHOOSE between 2 tasks (no more than 2 options because it can get messy and kids love loopholes), they feel like they have more control over the situation. A lot of times kids feel powerless over the things they do because adults are usually the ones in charge of making the decisions. This also helps build decision making skills, communication skills, social skills, and self-esteem.
Try to make tasks more fun. Having fun with your kids while doing chores will create opportunities for positive interactions. Turn a task into a game or a challenge. Make a fun playlist to put on in the background while doing tasks. If you can turn a boring task into something fun and positive, kids will be less resistant because they now have a positive association with the task (i.e. playing laundry basketball instead of getting yelled at to put their dirty clothes in the hamper).
Photo by Greyson Joralemon via Unsplash
To all the parents out there, I hear you & I see you. You are doing great. Learning about your kid is a process and this all takes time, energy, and patience. I encourage you to find what works best for you & your family.
Meet the Author: Jade Shapiro, LCSW-C
Jade Shapiro, LCSW-C works with individuals and families struggling with depression, anxiety, trauma, pre/post effects of terminal illness, behavioral & impulse challenges, and transinternational adoption. Jade is especially passionate about working with adolescents, young adults, LGBTQ+ individuals, and transinternational adoptees. Jade is also an advocate for pediatric oncology awareness, mental health awareness, and body positivity. Jade likes to spend her free time learning about nutrition & fitness focusing on sustainable approaches to create a healthier relationship with food and exercise (avoiding toxic diet culture), reading, listening to music, spending time in nature, and watching her favorite TV shows.