A Look at the Decision to be Childfree
Childfree by choice is a term used to describe people who make the decision not to have children (as opposed to people who may be childfree for other reasons, such as infertility). In recent years, more people are choosing not to have children. This is an incredibly personal decision. For some, this choice may have been an easy one. Others may be on the fence, waning between the desire to have a child or not. Either way, existing in a child-free space can sometimes feel lonely or listless, as the normative model of parenthood is viewed as a stepping stone into adulthood. Childfree people can feel misunderstood by parents or peers who do have (or desire to have) children.
So if you are navigating the decision to be childfree, or wanting to better understand a loved one’s choice to be childfree:
welcome! Let’s explore together
For many, the childfree choice involves three key areas:
freedom, fear, and support.
FREEDOM
Full disclosure, I myself am childfree by choice. Look, I like my life as it is! I love spontaneously jumping in the car with my spouse, grabbing a coffee, and exploring the world. And I really love doing all this without Baby Shark playing in the background. For many, there is more flexibility in living a childfree life.
What does this flexibility grant you? Well, perhaps more time for:
Self-fulfillment and self-exploration
Focus on hobbies and interests
Travel
Career fulfillment
Enjoying current relationship dynamic
Having a child completely changes the structure of your life. This isn’t a good or bad thing! Just different. In navigating the choice of parenthood, it can be helpful to ascertain your interest in the daily tasks of being a parent. Not sure what those tasks are? See if you can spend time with a friend or family member who has a young child!
For me, understanding the daily tasks of parenting compared with the way I like to structure my life is one reason I’ve leaned away from parenthood. There is value in appreciating the freedom and flexibility of a childfree life. Additionally, maintaining your current lifestyle is a completely valid reason to not desire kids.
FEAR
The childfree choice isn’t just about choosing a self-fulfilled life. Fears can also be a main contributor. A big fear for many is mental health.
Mental health concerns are significant factor for many in choosing to be childfree. Some people with anxiety and depression worry about how they can manage their own symptoms and be quality parents. Many neurodivergent individuals find the concept of having children to be daunting as you cope with overstimulation (sticky fingers everywhere, loud toys making lots of noise, someone constantly touching me, no thank you!). Not to mention the impacts of generational trauma and PTSD, as having a child can be triggering. This is not to say people with mental illnesses can’t have children (you can!), but for many, taking care of themselves is hard enough, and adding children into the mix seems detrimental. This thought for me looks like “I know I could be a mom, but at what cost?” or “What parts of myself would I be sacrificing to gain the role of mother?”
There are other fears too, valid ones. Such as:
Climate Crisis
School Shootings
Gun Violence
Sexual Violence & Abuse
Discrimination
Health Concerns
Mental Health
Partner Support
Financial Capability
SUPPORT
It can be difficult to assuage these fears when there is a lack of social support. People say “It takes a village” to raise a family, but within our current society it can be difficult to find the village. The overall culture within the US is an individualistic one, and there is pressure to be able to handle things on your own.
Some struggles to parenthood:
Lack of affordable childcare
Lack of affordable healthcare
Individualistic society
Lack of postpartum care
Lack of paid family leave
Wages not keeping up with inflation
Childfree by choice individuals tend to be highly conscious of these barriers. When deciding what type of life they want to live, it becomes clear that without more social support, having a child isn’t feasible for them.
Personal Choice
Ultimately, the choice to lead a childfree life is multifaceted and shaped by a variety of personal, social, and environmental factors. In understanding these motivations can lead to a sense of relief and clarity on your personal journey. It is also a step toward creating a more inclusive and supportive society. Many childfree people actually love children, and can form a pillar of support within communities where kids do exist. Variety in our social tapestry is a positive contribution to the human experience.
If you too are navigating the choice to have children and feel alone in the childfree by choice space, reach out! A therapy session can be an excellent place to process your desires and fears.
MEET THE AUTHOR: RAE BUCHANAN
Rae Buchanan (she/her) is a counseling intern at Space Between Counseling Services working under the supervision of Diana Harden. She is deeply curious about the stories we hold within and values an empathetic, person-centered approach to counseling. Rae is LGBTQIA+ affirming and dedicated to working with artists of all kinds. With a background rich in the performing arts, she is aware of the specific mental and emotional trauma and struggles that are often associated with creative work. Rae also specializes in working with university students, University Students, ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, Life and Career Transitions.
Rae is currently accepting new clients. Interested in working with Rae Contact Niina Bacha to schedule your therapeutic fit call today support@spacebetweencounselingservices.com or call 443-240-5207