Let this season be the one you unwrap what makes you feel good. With the holidays approaching, some may find themselves gathering with family, friends or chosen families with a sense of “normalcy” for the first time since COVID. It can be exciting to be with your village, however, sometimes it can require checking the members within it. Meaning, it’s important to acknowledge and maintain your boundaries as needed. You are not compelled to sit dysregulated during the holidays because others want to know when you’ll conform to a standard of theirs.
Here’s a few reminders of what you are in no way obligated to do this season:
You do not have to discuss your uterus with Auntie who wants to know when you’ll have children.
You do not have to remain silent while Gram minimizes your relationship by referring to your partner as your “friend.”
You do not have to accept the continued misuse of your pronouns because, “Uncle doesn’t mean any harm.”
You do not have to answer unsolicited questions about “changes” to your body since the pandemic.
You do not have to overcompensate with explanations of why you feel most comfortable with your mask on.
Absence can make the heart grow fonder… this means you may not have to attend at all!
If COVID has taught us anything, it’s that new norms can be created and followed by the masses. You do not owe it to anyone to compromise your limits! This holiday season may require you to be direct and re-clarify your boundaries, as others may have varying ideas of what is acceptable based on prior interactions and their own experiences. Compromising of boundaries frequently occurs out of fear of hurting feelings or causing offense. While admirable, this approach is harmful as one person’s needs are met at the expense of someone else’s. Establishing those parameters entails taking accountability and voicing what you’re capable and not capable of doing.
remember: You can say “no” although your friends, family, or society as a whole can make you feel guilty for it.
Setting boundaries can be difficult for some, here are a few tips to jump start your process:
Understand that your needs are important. You deserve the same grace that is extended to others in attempts to avoid upsetting or offending them. Your needs are important too.
Recognize your supporters. Everyone won’t respect your boundaries, unfortunately, good news however, some will. Connect with those who are able to value you and help reinforce your boundaries with family.
Check your expectations. Be realistic with your tolerance level to engage with difficult family members and situations. Being belittled or invalidated is not the price you have to pay to sit at the holiday table.
It’s as simple as a walk. You always have the option to leave a situation that is not best serving you. You are not “being sensitive” , you're choosing yourself.
You are the boss. Communicate nonnegotiables so others know what is and what is not okay. Communicate consequences when nonnegotiables are violated and stick to them.
“I said what I said.” Be direct about your boundaries instead of hint dropping. It is not helpful to play charades and have others “assume” what you’re feeling.
Self care is the best care. Sticking to your boundaries is a form of self care and can motivate you to put yourself first in other areas as needed.
Assertiveness. Often those who violate boundaries do so because others haven’t stood up to them, or it’s masked as poking fun. Asserting what is needed and when it’s needed is boundary maintenance.
If this is something you’ve experienced or perhaps this resonates with you this holiday season, don’t shy away from a perceived daunting task. Often, breaking the cycle can be as simple as expressing your wants and needs. If you’re still struggling, therapy may help you learn how to communicate assertively and set appropriate boundaries with those around you. If you’re seeking a therapist in the state of Maryland, check out the Space Between Counseling Services Team:
Meet the Author: Brittany Spencer, LCPC
Brittany Spencer, LCPC, is a therapist at Space Between Counseling Services. Brittany works with individuals and couples in the Charm City area as they manage stress, grief, BIPOC Struggles LGBTQIA+ related concerns, and more.
Brittany’s integrative therapeutic approach and ongoing trainings to better support marginalized populations has allowed her to interact with a diverse population to increase self-awareness, allow a safe space for societal & systemic processing, and development of coping skills that allows her clients to show up as their authentic self. Processing life is not always easy, sometimes a safe space, a computer screen (during COVID times) or a comfy couch can be the most simplistic start to allow someone to show up for themselves. Brittany strives to increase the autonomy of her clients.
When not working to evolve her counseling skills, Brittany enjoys outdoor activities. As the weather changes, you’re likely to catch her at local 5k races in the Charm City area. As a former collegiate athlete, Brittany loves basketball and all things related. Above all else, Brittany enjoys spending time with her wife and family.