Why Couples Seek Therapy?
We hear many stories of marriages ending in divorce, people staying in unhappy marriages or partnerships, and we find ourselves wondering “what happened?” Why do people decide to get divorced or go their separate ways after many years of being together? It can be confusing to witness people who we might have known for years and imagined them being together until they are grey and old, decide to split up. To many people, hearing these stories evokes fear and makes them wonder if they went through it will I?
Couples who are experiencing these challenges may also wonder the same thing. They grieve the loss of the marriage or the partnership they thought they would have and are forced to embrace a new reality.
Couples therapy has been thought of as the place where couples go when they are in crisis. This can be true for some people. Couples therapy can be the last resort for some people or their last strand of hope to make things work. Others can be very hesitant because they fear that couples therapy will bring up difficult conversations and perhaps make things worse than they already are. While the later examples are sometimes true, it’s important to know that couples therapy can also be a safe space to heal, grow, and strengthen your skills as a couple to build a healthier relationship.
Couples therapy or couple counseling has been growing as a field and a as a profession. Our team of Couple Therapists at Space Between Counseling Services have unique trainings and experience in working with couples. We hope this blog post helps you to gain a better understanding of some of the reasons couples seek couples therapy. If you are a in a relationship that is experiencing challenges and hardships, we hope you know that you are not alone.
Photo by Tim Mossholder
After a difficult argument or situation, many couples will often express feeling stuck. They struggle to find a path that leads forward and yet they cannot go backward and forget the harm done. This impasse often prompts to begin their search for direction. According to Kerry Lusignan, NCCT Founder and Certified Gottman Therapist, the main reasons people reach out for support falls under three categories:
Couples in crisis dealing with major challenges, like a recent affair or deal breaker decision
Individuals with a reluctant or ambivalent partner who is unresponsive to their concerns, complaints, and needs
Couples who agree that something must change. Who love each other but no longer love partnership with each other.
Let’s go through each one:
Category 1: Couples in Crisis Dealing with Major crisis, Like a recent affair or deal breaker decision
Photo By Nadine Shaabana
When people ask you to consider “what type of partner you want in your life?” you might have a whole list of traits in your mind, or at least have a few specific characteristics that you look for. For example, it can vary from their sense of humor, to physical appearance, to salary, and so-on. It’s common to have a mental image of how we want our ideal partner or relationship to look like. With all that, we also have our different values, needs and boundaries. There are certain relational elements that we choose to embrace, accept, or at least tolerate. Every, and others are considered “deal breakers”. Dr. Stan Tatkin defines a deal breaker as,
“An issue that looks like it cannot be solved. Many couples face issues related to religion or sexuality or money or children. They might feel—and you might think—such deal breakers must lead to the end of the relationship”
When we are in love we are willing to go above and beyond for someone. As we hear, ‘love makes us blind’ or the ‘things that love make us do’. But what happens when couples face something major that is considered a deal breaker. For example, a partner having an affair, or your partner decided they no longer want children or being with a partner that constantly shut us off or you realize along the way you don’t share the same values. We start to wonder and ask ourselves, “why are the things that were considered the biggest no’s or deal breakers are matters we are willing to lean on to fix or find ways to resolve?”
Human beings share a common need for wanting to be seen, valued and to have a genuine connection with one another. The truth is that we are afraid! We are afraid of being alone. We are afraid to get in touch with our painful feelings. We are afraid to deal with the profound ache of a heartbreak.
This experience of fear explains why people are sometimes willing to work through issues that they once considered to be a deal breaker. There is a huge negative misconception about being alone and being single. Society makes us internalize this stigma. Have you ever heard someone say, “well at least you have someone”? Even if you talk to your closest social circle, they might tell you to find ways to deal with or accept your partners needs or actions, so that you don’t end up alone. However, the truth is, being alone in a marriage or partnership can be as painful or even much worse than experiencing being single.
There is also a fear of running headlong into a heartbreak. We would rather find a way to deal with the situation than feel the heartbreak. Sometimes, there is fear and guilt associated with navigating a breakup when there are children involved. It causes individuals to weigh out the benefits and consequences of staying together for the sake of the children. However, when a couple remains together in a state of discontentment or mistrust, that can have negative impacts on children as well. Seeking couples therapy could be the couples last strand of hope. Ideally, even if the couple therapy does not result in a continued relationship, it provides the couple with a safe space to explore their next steps as individuals and perhaps co-parents, while doing the least amount of harm possible to their family unit.
Category 2: Individuals with a reluctant or ambivalent partner who is unresponsive to their concerns, complaints and needs
Photo by Adrian Swancar
In every relationship, each partner has their own individual desire and needs. Sometimes these wants and needs are the essence of conflict. It is important that couples know how to respond to opposing desire or needs. Do they respect them? Do they find a way to balance each partner’s needs without feeling like they are sacrificing their own? Do they seek a win/win situation, or settle for compromise? Or, are they unwilling to budge?
Sometimes ambivalent or reluctant partners create a dynamic in which the relationship feels one-sided. One person in the relationship may feel that they are uncertain or reluctant to attending to their partner’s needs. Many people want intimacy and connection, but don’t always know how to ask for it. Many things can get in the way of communication, such as anxiety, depression, and fear. Partners who were deeply hurt or betrayed in past relationships may need some time to repair before they are ready to be in a committed relationship again. This can present additional challenges. You may try to convince your partner that you are not like their exes, or you may want to change how your partner thinks about relationships in an attempt to resolve their past hurt.
“When we recite our relationship vows, perhaps we should say, “I take you as my pain in the rear, with all your history and baggage, and I take responsibility for all prior injustices you endured at the hands of those I never knew, because you now are in my care.”
However, when this challenging dynamic happens it creates uncertainty. This uncertainty can create a relationship limbo. During a state of ambiguity, the pain of leaving seems so unfathomable but the thought of staying may be just as bad, or worse.
There is a myth that you may have heard or internalized that states we should accept our partners for who they are, and we shouldn’t want them to change. However, perhaps it’s okay if you want your partner to change, Afterall, at the end of the day, you are building a relationship and life with this person. As Kerry Lusignan, NCCT Founder and Certified Gottman Therapist says, “It’s a work of love”. This does not mean that you want your partner to be who you exactly want or imagined them to be. However, you can find ways to communicate your needs and understand that person in front of you is not a mind reader. It’s not only okay if you express your needs or wants, it’s necessary!
Unfortunately, sometimes communicating wants and needs to a romantic partner can be difficult. We all have different ways of communicating and regulating our stressors and our emotions. Sometimes a mismatch in communication styles requires some assistance. Relationship therapy can help a couple build the skills to communicate in ways that feel both respectful and authentic. Your couple therapist can help you to not only speak in a way in which you’re more likely to be heard and understood, but also help you and your partner slow down communication so that you can actually listen to one another as well.
Category 3: Couples who agree that something must change. Who love each other but no longer want to be together
Photo by Jon Tyson
Life is constantly changing. Sometimes these changes can shift us in ways we never could have predicted. Just as circumstances and people change, so do relationships. This can be scary and confusing because separation and disconnection can be extremely difficult, especially with people we still love value and respect.
Sometimes, these changes don’t come from an extreme situation that a person faces but it can be from things that is a part of our daily life, work, parenting and sexual issues. Couples might love each other but they may lose that sexual or romantic spark between them.
We lose connections with people in our lives. The connection we feel to others in relationships is a result of intimacy, which is very important in a romantic relationship. For many couples who struggle in sexless relationships. The lack of sexual intimacy can be extremely uncomfortable because sex is something that makes them feel connected to their partner.
This can evoke feelings of loss, confusion, anger or guilt. Couples may grieve the love they once held for each other. They may also grieve their future plans but feel too guilty to let go. Couples may find themselves second guessing their decision over fears of what could or should have been.
When we are open and vulnerable enough to enter an intimate relationship, we risk the heartbreak that may come with it. While many couples wait until they are in crisis to seek therapy, it’s important to remember that is not the only option. Couples therapy can be used as both a preventative and proactive tool. However, if you’re sure the end of your relationship is nearing, you and your partner may still benefit from couples therapy to ensure the inevitable end of the relationship creates as little heartache as possible. As Kerry Lusignan, NCCT Founder and Certified Gottman Therapist said, “it’s not about if you stay or go that matters; it’s how to stay or go”.
Photo by Alexandru Acea
Sometimes in life, we must choose between two torments. There are gains and losses with staying and leaving. This is a decision that you and your partner make together.
At Space Between Counseling Services, we are here to offer you and your partner(s) a safe space to figure out your relationships next steps.
At Space Between Counseling Services, our relationship therapist team is comprised of seven clinicians who are all trained in various theoretical approaches to couples work, including the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), the Gottman Method, and Prepare-Enrich.
If you and your partner are seeking additional support in your journey , SBCS can provide a unique holding space for you and your partner. To learn more about our team of therapists at Space Between Counseling Services, click the link below:
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